Schockmel Jana

Excerpts of a past I may have lived


A fire creature once asked me

“Do you want to burn?”

And I did.

I do.

I said Yes. I want to burn.

Please, let me burn.

So she set me on fire.




Someone just reached into my chest

And ripped out my heart.

I see it being held right in front of me,

Thumping, thumping

Thump thump thump

I don’t know if they’re my hands,

Or yours,

Or someone else’s entirely.

You’re smiling.




You can feel your heart beat.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

You feel it in your chest, you feel it in your head;

You feel it speeding up.

Something is creeping up inside you

And it desperately wants to be let out.

It is getting closer and closer to the edge.

Closer and closer.

It’s the only thing you can focus on.

Closer and closer

Thump, thump, thump

Everything else blurs into the background.


You take a deep breath.

The feeling disappears.

And every time you breathe,

(Every time you don’t let it out,)

Every time it is pushed back and repressed,

You feel a little less.




I’m standing on the edge of a cliff,

One foot dangling over the emptiness

There’s no way out, no way right, no way left;

My back is against a wall.

I know I’ll fall eventually.

I can’t escape it.

I ask myself

What if I let myself fall?

What if I jump?

I know I’ll hit the ground eventually.

But won’t it feel like flying,

Just for a moment?




Squeeze my heart

Let it drop onto the floor

It might feel like I’m dying

But at least I’ll know

I was alive before




You don’t set my skin on fire every time we touch.

But the flame you ignite is big enough to keep me warm and safe;

With you I feel like I’m sitting by a fireplace on a cold, rough winter night.


But is that enough?




I tell you I lost feelings the same way you misplace your keys.

They must be in your front pocket like always, you think.

But you didn’t pay attention for a tiny, insignificant moment,

And now they might be lost forever.

You ask if I will write poetry about us.

About you.

I tell you I can’t.

I can’t because I just lied to you,

And even I don’t know my real feelings.

I never knew what they were, or what they were becoming,

And now I don’t know if I’m breaking up with you because I’ve finally figured them out,

Or because I’m tired of trying to.




Make me feel alive

You could hold a gun to the side of my head;

I would laugh manically in your face.

alive alive alive

I look Death in the face and raise my brow like it’s a challenge.

Make me feel alive

She copies my expression because she’s seen it before.

Make me feel alive

She reads me like a book

And she grins

Challenge accepted




I’m weighed down. I’m held back.

I’m trying, I’m fighting, I’ll make it.

As I finally, finally let go, I’m free to run.

I’m running

I’m running

Running as fast as I can.

My lungs are aching,

My legs want to give in.

But I don’t give up.

I run faster, always faster.

I can see the end now.

And then, finally, after all this time;

I catch up with the present.

Envoyé: 00:01 Wed, 15 March 2023 by : Schockmel Jana age : 20