Schockmel Jana

ad infinitum

"I got my first tattoo when I was seventeen.

It's right above the hipbone and says 'nevermind'.

I remember opening the envelope on my birthday and seeing the gift card from my mom, the excitement I felt, the disbelief.

She allowed it because it was small and hidden and because I'd been talking about it for more than a year.

It might also have had something to do with the fact that my dad was very clearly against it.

Since the day I've started talking about that specific tattoo my mom has asked me what it means. She knows, the way mothers always do, that I got it for a reason, that there's a specific meaning I attach to that one word. But every time she's asked I've gone on a tangent about how there's the album Nevermind by Nirvana and that one song Nevermind by Dennis Lloyd and that the tattoo has nothing to do with either of those. I've always avoided the question.

The truth is that seventeen was the time in my life where I didn't feel seen. I felt like no matter what I had to say, people weren't listening. They didn't care. I would be so proud that I was able to contribute to a discussion, but as soon as I started talking, everybody started scrolling on their phones. My sentence would stay unfinished and fade into nothingness, just like the excited smile on my face. At some point somebody would ask "Sorry what did you say?" without even looking up from their phone. And I would answer "Oh, nevermind, it wasn't important". The truth is that I knew nobody was listening because nobody cared. I felt useless and unwanted and silenced.

Anyways I'm nineteen now and I guess I still feel like that sometimes, so the tattoo still holds its meaning."


"Sorry. What did you just say?"

"Oh, you know I'm... Nevermind. Wasn't important."

"Okay cool. Hey look at this video I just saw oh my god it's so funny..."

Time and time again. Some things never change.

Envoyé: 23:48 Thu, 2 February 2023 by : Schockmel Jana age : 20