Prologue.
My name is Nathalie.
It means “the one who is born“.
I never liked my name much.
It just states an obvious fact.
Anecdote.
My teacher once asked all the children in the class
what their dad’s profession was.
Children raised their hands proudly,
wanting to be the first to answer.
I sunk in my chair.
”Nathalie, what about your dad“
“Sir, my dad is a stay-at-home dad“
All the children laughed.
“Your dad is unemployed?“
“He’s ill. He has panic attacks.“
My dad has panic attacks.
That’s why he’s home so much
and sometimes he isn’t because he’s in therapy
and we can only go visit him on the weekends.
My dad can’t take planes, trains or ships.
That’s why it takes us 10 hours to get to Spain.
Sometimes, my dad can’t go to large gatherings
and avoids tunnels when driving.
My dad can’t do a lot of things.
Maybe that’s why he and mom fight so much.
I hear people say
my dad is just pretending.
No one has ever actually seen it happen to him.
My dad is overreacting.
Other people manage too.
My dad never talks about his panic attacks
and that’s why I don’t tell him
that I believe him
because sometimes at night
thoughts overwhelm me so much I can’t breathe.
People hear my last name and ask me:
“Is your dad the school principal?“
People ask: “Is your dad the well-known basketball referee?
Or is he the painter?“
My dad has panic attacks and he isn’t famous for anything.
He’s home a lot. Meditates. Works out.
Works on himself.
Most importantly though, my dad has given two little girls
the best childhood they could ever imagine.
And maybe that’s something.
My dad has panic attacks
and he is the best dad in the world.
He likes video games and history.
He has the most contagious laugh,
he is huge and strong
and he taught us, that it’s okay to be weak sometimes.
To two not so little girls anymore, my dad
is and has always been enough.
My dad has panic attacks
and once he talked about it.
He told me: “If it wasn’t for your birth,
I wouldn’t be here right now“
Epilogue.
My name is Nathalie.
It means “the one who is born“
and I was born so that the most important
man in my life could live.
I love my name. I think it fits pretty well.