Terra Cognita
Compliments being said
Jokes being made
Everyone's laughing, everyone's happy
Yet the wheels in my head start working
They start spinning and spinning
Until I'm dizzy and high on thoughts that drag me down
Until I have to sit down so I don't fall from all the memories that come rushing back
Memories of people saying things that I've repeated over and over
Things that have lost their meaning and I have no idea what is truth and what is lie
People tell me I'm observative, calculating
In truth I'm just memorising everything they tell me so that I can decode it's secret meaning
The wheels begin to spin, faster and faster, until I don't know where I am
Until I can't see and the air is sucked out of my lungs
Until tears are running down my face and I'm sitting in a bathroom stall silently sobbing
Of course I come out with a smile on my face, pretending that my world didn't just crash and burn
I come out with bright eyes and an open mind
Ready to laugh at any joke, to argue on any topic
But the wheels are still spinning faster and faster
My head woozy, my senses betray me
My thoughts racing, competing, fighting to reach my receptors first
To have me think them first
To degrade and demolish my already fragile confidence with things that have been said a million years ago
My head's going to explore
I can't breath
I can't breath
I can't breath
Why doesn't it just stop?
Please help
I need help
Slowly as if done with their job, my thoughts retreat into the dark corners they came from
Returning me back to a state of mental consciousness and a broken will to keep on living
As if part of a routine, the smile comes back, the eyes light up and the mind opens up for more
Observation,
Calculation,
Interpretation