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Klein Schwager Lana


Life

I think I’m beginning to like this little life of mine. 

Not in the way that I’m happy everyday, but in the way that waking up doesn’t feel like a burden anymore. In a way, that my heart doesn’t hurt with every breath that I take. My heart, the weight that dragged down every smile, every thought and every mouvement of mine, got lighter. 

A morning can be rather disappointing. The image in the mirror shows the results of a rough night, and the shadows of your past creep up behind you. They follow your every step, shielding you from the daylight. So, in the morning, you face it, look deep into its eyes, fight the heavy heart that accompanies it and put on a smile. The fight against an endless cycle starts all over again, the smile already burned into my face.

Maybe I’m not as healed as I wish to be. Which is ok. I’m still trying to accept my past, trying to live the future that I always wanted. But it’s so damn hard to actually be happy. I blame my younger self, blame me for who I was, blame the person that made who I am. They are the one that dreamed big, that had a simple wish, and as simple as it was, they fucked it up, gloriously. That’s what I like to believe, because it eases the pain. But the truth is, as imperfect as I was, I didn’t „fuck up “. I was simply being myself, which one should never be ashamed of. And I’m not. I don’t regret who I was. Don’t regret my actions. And yet, my life would be a lot easier if I hadn’t smiled that day. Maybe I should have stayed in bed, should have missed the bus, should have been in another boat or simply shouldn’t have listened to what they all said. I don’t regret it, but I wish it never happened. Which is paradoxical. It may have formed me, made the person who I am today, but the price paid was not worth it. 

I don’t believe in faith, neither in luck, nor karma. I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, I don’t believe in „right person, wrong time “, I don’t believe in eternal love, I don’t believe that pain makes you stronger. I don’t believe in all the crap they tell us about on TV, songs, books or movies. I don’t even believe that people truly know who they are. I believe that our lives were meant to be boring. And we try to fill this boredom, this void that creates itself over time, with something. With the pain of other people, with the smiles of our friends, or maybe with our dreams which were never fulfilled.

We try to explain the complexity of life with simple phrases. „It wasn’t meant to be “, „you’ll get it next time “, „just work harder “. But maybe we should stop with this. Maybe we don’t need an explanation. It may make us feel worse in the beginning, but maybe it’s this pain that we need. Maybe we all should be getting consumed by great pain, maybe it would make us able to love again. 

Maybe I love too much. No matter in which way. 

I love my friends. I think I love them more than I love myself. Their pain is my pain. Which I gracefully take, because they improve my life in so many ways. They give me a reason to wake up. They are the reason my heart is drowning in love.

I love people that I wish I hated. As a matter of fact, our ways should never cross again, but I love them. Not for who they are, but for who they used to be.

I love to love. But I hate being loved, because it feels that love isn’t for me. Which is ok, I might get over it or I might not. I’m not afraid of that. Because as strange as it feels, the love that surrounds me, makes me happy. I’m not afraid of crying, because there will always be someone to wipe the tears away. I’m not afraid to wake up, because I know that someone is thinking of me throughout the day.

Life is not as great as I wish it to be, but I’m not complaining. It may sound like it, but I truly am not. Because at the end of the day, I know what it feels like to love, and I think that makes me the luckiest person in the universe.

And as bittersweet as it is, I’m beginning to like this little life of mine.

 




Envoyé: 09:54 Fri, 1 March 2024 by : Klein Schwager Lana age : 18